Humbled by more than just the cold

On Sunday night, I was scouring the kitchen for some left over wine from New Years. I had just spent 4 hours playing Phase Ten with the kids and was feeling annoyed and frantic for some peace and quiet. I stepped outside our back door in merely my sweatshirt for a quick smoke. I did not bundle up even though it was below zero temperatures. I knew I was just going to run back inside to the comfort of my couch and warm up with my wine. As I was quickly finishing my cigarette I heard a clatter from across the street. Not uncommon due to the variety of people who live in the apartment complex itself, but this was different. Instead of dumping the garbage into the dumpster and scrambling back inside there was a figure taking things out of the garbage. He dropped a few cans and then went back for more. I have lived most of my life in the suburbs seeing only the homeless when I travel to the city. I never felt the responsibility of someone struggling in my own city. Living in Saint Paul I suppose it was inevitable. But nothing could have prepared me for the gut wrenching desire to help this man out. I quick ran inside to the kitchen where Nikki was making dinner. I told her with a desperate voice how I wanted to help this man someway. She suggested we bring him some sandwiches and something to drink. The though occurred to me that he may not WANT our help. So I decided I would simply ask. I grabbed Jordan from the video game he was playing, we bundled up and ran across the street to offer a measly meal. I introduced myself and Jordan, I asked if we could make him some sandwiches. He looked surprised and immediately approved my request. The few seconds it took me to run back inside with Jordan to prepare a bag lunch for this fellow citizen was the height of my "feeling good". Once I got back inside I felt nothing buy humility for the rest of the night. While making the food the kids were exuberant. They wanted to do anything and everything they could to help this man whom mom said was homeless. We packed up 2 sandwiches, heated up the left over pancakes from breakfast, and bagged a few Christmas cookies and some bottled water. The kids and myself barreled out the door supplies in tow while Nikki kept a watchful eye on us from the porch. We handed him the food and he thanked us by name. There was a brief exchanging of god bless you's and thanks, then we headed back into the house. The kids went back to their game. Nikki went back to dinner. And I stood there in the kitchen, wine in hand. Warm. With only a slight grumble of hunger in my stomach. I could not stop thinking of how to help more. Maybe I should have given him money. Or a warm blanket. Or a hug... The list kept going in my head. How could doing something nice make me feel so helpless and guilty. I receded to the bathroom and ran a hot bath. Lying there made the feeling worse. I prayed silently for this man who surely appreciated the gifts, but has no idea the gift of a lesson he gave my children and myself.